Is it normal to experience pain the first time I have anal sex?
Some people find their first experience of anal sex uncomfortable or painful. This is largely due to the resistance of the sphincter muscles at first and can be made worse by worrying about feeling pain, but it usually gets better with time and experience. Many people hear stories as they are growing up about anal sex being painful, or even ‘wrong’. Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to bad experiences because when we are expecting pain (or feeling bad about what we are doing sexually), we are less likely to get turned on (and not being turned on, as we have said before, can make penetration painful). The suggestions in this booklet can help you overcome any experiences of pain that you have had.
What if I’m penetrating my partner and I lose my erection?
It is perfectly normal for this to happen once in a while, but if it’s a real problem there are a few different things you can try. Make sure you’re relaxed; if not, take some deep breaths and focus on positive thoughts and images. If you’re already inside your partner, you can stay there and try to get the stimulation you want — for example, moving in certain ways, or getting them to squeeze their pelvic muscles. Or you can withdraw from them and use whatever stimulation works well for you, and go back to penetration when you’re hard again. If this regularly happens, you may want to read another of the booklets in this series, Getting and keeping erections, which includes information and exercises you can do to improve your erections.
What if my partner and I want to try fisting?
If you and your partner want to try fisting, you can start by inserting one finger, and gradually add a second and third finger until four fingers are inserted up to the widest part of the hand. Keep adding more lube throughout, and if you meet resistance, pull back for a bit. You can slide your hand straight in or twist as you insert it. Once your hand is in up to the wrist, stay still for a while so that you can both get used to the sensations, and then follow your partner’s requests - you can rotate your hand, ball it into a fist, move gently in and out, apply pressure or stroke the rectum. Or you can stimulate your partner (or have them stimulate themselves) to orgasm if they wish, while leaving your hand inside them. Be careful to withdraw your hand slowly and gently. Fisting takes time and patience, and for most people requires trust, as it can produce very intense sensations and feelings of vulnerability. Never force your body or your partner’s body to accommodate more than feels pleasurable at the time. If you want to know more about fisting, see our Resources page.
How can I practise safer sex?
There are a number of ways in which you can have safer sex in order to protect yourself and partners from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and from unwanted pregnancy. These include using condoms, pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), to protect against the transmission of HIV, and different contraceptive methods.
In this booklet, we have chosen not to refer to any one of these specific methods, and encourage you to make your own decisions about protecting yourself and others in each instance of sexual activity you undertake. Your local sexual health clinic can provide you with free STI testing and information and advice on practising safer sex.