Sexual desire is our interest in and motivation to have sexual activity. Sometimes it is referred to as our sex drive or libido. There are many factors that can influence sexual desire, and it common for interest in sex to go up or down throughout our lives.   

What can cause changes in sexual enjoyment and desire?

Changes in enjoyment of sex, sexual desire, or libido are common, particularly for those in long-term relationships. There is no such thing as “normal” sexual desire.  If you are finding your change in desire or enjoyment of sex difficult, it may be useful to consider the following possible causes. Please note this is not an exhaustive list.

  • Relationship difficulties (or difficulties communicating within a relationship)
  • Sexual difficulties (like difficulties with erections, ejaculation, penetration, discomfort, pain)
  • A partner experiencing sexual difficulties
  • Stress, anxiety, or low mood
  • Tiredness
  • Changes in hormone levels
  • Changes associated with pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding
  • Ageing or menopause-related changes
  • Physical health or medical problems
  • Medications, including anti-depressants and medication for contraception
  • Alcohol or drug use

It is important to have a medical assessment by an appropriately trained medical professional, such as a specialist in sexual problems, to ascertain the role of any physical or medical factors contributing to difficulties you are having with desire and enjoyment of sex. Your GP may be able to help with this, or signpost you to an appropriate service.

Some people report never or rarely experiencing sexual desire or interest and for some this may indicate that they are asexual. If you would like further information related to this, please see the Resources page.

The myth of spontaneous sexual desire

Many people believe that they should feel sexual desire for a partner often and easily, otherwise something must be wrong in the relationship or they must not be attracted to their partner. However, this is not necessarily the case. 

With newer sexual or romantic partners, things often happen that send signals to our body and brain to prepare for and anticipate sex. For example, before seeing the other person you might put on clothes that you feel good in, fantasise about the possibility of having sex later or tidy up your bedroom. While with them, you might exchange compliments, flirt or do romantic things for one another. 

In longer term relationships, we become used to seeing our partners outside of a sexual context. We might become more focused on other aspects of the relationship, and reduce the things that send our body and brains the signals that help us look forward to sex and start to feel turned on. 

Needing to work on sex and desire in a longer-term relationship is completely normal. Our sexual interests can also change over time. It can be helpful to consider whether this is the case for you and any partners you have, and whether there are ways you can explore or expand your sexual activity together to reflect what you are most interested in now.