We are all unique when it comes to sex. Our partners cannot read our minds. They are very likely to have had different experiences of sex, and be holding different assumptions, beliefs and preferences to our own. 

Good communication can help you to:

  • Get closer to the sex life you want by sharing your conditions for good sex
  • Meet your partners’ needs by better understanding their conditions for good sex
  • Allow your partners to understand any sexual problems you might be having and what they can do to help
  • Build trust and intimacy in your relationships 

What gets in the way of communicating about sex?

  • Not realising or believing it’s important e.g. “good sex should just happen naturally”
  • Feeling awkward or embarrassed
  • Fear of rejection 
  • Worrying it will spoil the moment
  • Feeling unsure what you want to say or how to say it

Take some time to think about your intentions in advance

What is it that you would like your partner to know? If the conversation went well, what would be different at the end of it? Planning ahead can helps to reduce your own anxiety and increase the chance of your partner being able to understand what you want them to hear.

Think about timing

Avoid having any difficult conversations about sex in bed, or just before/ after sex. You might want to plan the conversation for a later date to avoid putting your partner(s) on the spot. Choose a time when you won’t feel rushed, and have plenty of privacy. Avoid talking about sex or sexual problems during an argument, when you have been drinking or using drugs or when you are tired or stressed.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes

Remember that they might feel vulnerable or embarrassed. How might it feel for them to hear what you have to say? Offering plenty of reassurance and appreciation can help them to feel comfortable. 

Have a two-way conversation

Encourage your partner to share their own thoughts, feelings and preferences with you. Listen carefully to what they have to say without interrupting. Let them know you can understand their perspective (even if you might feel differently about some things). Thank them for being open and honest with you. 

Use ‘I’ statements

Using sentences that start with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ help ensure that we are communicating clearly from our own perspective. It also reduces the risk of the other person feeling judged or blamed. For example, say “I’d like us to try having sex differently” rather than “You always want to have sex the same way” or “You need to change”. 

Approach the conversation with positivity and with solutions in mind

Frame the conversation as an exciting opportunity to try new things and expand your sexual relationship together. It can be helpful to be ready with some suggestions or requests to share with your partner to help move things forward. Focus more on talking about what you like, want more of or want to try rather than what you don’t like or want. 

Keep the conversation going

Getting into the habit of regularly checking in about sex can help to reduce any awkwardness and anxiety we might feel. It can also make it easier to bring up any difficulties or problems with sex that you and your partner(s) might have in the future.